Tears and Fears

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Right now, the “Are you excited about London? Nervous? It’s coming up really soon!” smalltalk is starting to really kill me. I can’t scream out, “It’s killing me! My body and mind are freaking out and I can’t stick with a singular happy or sad feeling over this enormous life change. Some days I want to cry and some I am too ecstatic for my own good. And dear God, don’t ask me what my boyfriend and I are doing when I leave, because you’ll make me remember that it’s going to be over between us so soon…” But instead I make up some cheesy answer and try to move the topic to something else.

As an introvert, I abhor smalltalk anyways, but the amount I’ve gotten since I announced my London plans have gotten me so awkward and vague that I feel so rude when I give a short answer and immediately stop talking and walk away. When I was studying abroad in 2011, I couldn’t shut up about going to England. I talked about it any chance I got. But that was because it was only for three months, and I’d be back to the people I care about in a short time. This time, I am starting completely over.

It’s hard to think of it as just a one year thing because it could turn into something other than that. I may end up staying in London for the rest of my life. I may move to New York City and never visit the Pacific Northwest again, except to come home for holidays. But if something happens to my elderly parents, there’s not a lot of family left to come home to, so visits to the West Coast would eventually become non-existent. My friends who I currently love will have spread out, or we’ll lose touch and it’ll get too awkward to even message them on Facebook.

And worst of all, the man who I currently love will no longer be a part of my life and leaving him in September is going to hurt so much. Even though he’ll be in Europe with me for October and November, this will be the worst December of my life. I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what would’ve happened if I had never left. I know I’ll have London and traveling to distract me, but it’s going to take a long time to fall out of love with him, and I’m scared to death about ever allowing myself to be involved with someone else, based on how devastating this parting of the ways turns out.

I hate these melancholy blog posts, but I need to get it out. I need to show the good and the bad about this whole process. Moving away, whether it be a few hours or a whole other continent, is tough for anyone, and emotions play just as big of part in the transition as the paperwork and packing. I am a highly sensitive and emotional person, so every aspect of this is hitting me harder than someone who can just easily detach themselves. I will always feel more deeply and intensely than a majority of the people I know, and all the tears I cry as I get closer to my departure day will eventually fade as I adjust to my life in London, but in the meantime, I am allowed to be scared and terrified and hope I come out the other side of this with none of the regrets I am currently fearing right now.

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4 thoughts on “Tears and Fears

  1. Samantha-

    I have enjoyed reading through your blog since I stumbled on it a few weeks ago. I find comfort in reading this post, since I can really relate to it. I am departing on Aug. 15th (24 days, eeek!!) and I am really going through the emotions of being super excited/depressed about leaving. I am also leaving behind my boyfriend of five years, so I can understand what a difficult decision that had to be for you.

    I am really glad that you are documenting both the good and the bad about making this decision. Everyone I talk to keeps telling me how “lucky I am” and how they wish they were me (and sounds like you, too.) There is also another, sadder, side to leaving and I am glad you are writing about it.

    I think those that are interested in studying abroad will get the full experience from your blog, and this can help others make sure they are making the right decision for themselves. So, thanks again for posting this.

    1. Ashlee, as much as it sounds weird to say this, I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this too. I guess it’s sort of comforting to know that there are other people in the world currently going through the same thing and while it’s going to hurt, I think it’s nice to have an online community of people who can relate to each other on this. Thanks for commenting!

  2. I just found your blog this morning (through Anglotopia) and think its fantastic that you are going for it and following your dream. I’ve entertained the idea of studying or just moving abroad and I can understand all of the feelings the reality of it brings up.
    Many years ago I moved across the country from where I grew up (from NJ to Seattle actually!) and yes it was hard and I missed everyone I knew back home. Fortunately there are ways to stay in touch (internet is a blessing) and maintain some level of normal so I didn’t feel so far away. I know its not the same as physically being somewhere or with someone but you don’t have to leave everything completely behind. I believe there is always a way to make anything work and I hope that your transition can be made a little easier by considering that you don’t have to lose something important to gain something new.

    I’m sure you already know this and I haven’t read enough posts to get better perspective. I don’t mean to offend, just passing on my experience since I understand the feelings of closing one part of your life off to start another. Its a sad process and I wanted to reach out to share some positive vibes.

    I look forward to following your journey as inspiration in following my own path! And being envious of your opportunity to live in London 🙂

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