Yann Tiersen’s music has a tendency to make me cry; specifically his compositions from the Amelie soundtrack. The mixture of this music and the pouring-down PNW rain probably aren’t good for my deteriorating emotional well-being, yet I am still listening to it and occasionally glancing up and out the window of the Starbucks I am in, looking at the rain hit the pavement and actually being happy that this fall weather has finally arrived, which lifts my spirits a little bit.
A year ago, I’d just moved to Los Angeles and had just done the whole goodbye thing to many of the same friends I just visited in the past few days. It was hard to say goodbye then, but in a different way. I was leaving in a very spur of the moment decision, and I was confident that this goodbye wouldn’t be forever, because at least LA was on the same coast and I could come visit them during Christmas time. Moving to London is an entirely different story. This has been planned for ages, the goodbyes were imminent, and this time, I’m not going to just be able to take a 3 hour flight home. This move is life-changing.
Today is my last full day in Bellingham, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever even step foot in this city again. If I do come back to Washington for a visit, will the effort to drive an hour and a half up to my college town be worth it? Will anyone still be there for me to visit? Is there a reason to go back? Will my wish be granted, and I’ll be able to stay in London indefinitely, which means coming back to America will be a a rare occasion? I really don’t know at all. I’m trying to force my mind into thinking that I will be a permanent expatriate, or if I’m not, I’ll become a New Yorker and abandon my PNW roots.
The goodbyes have been very hard, and really the only thing to give me some peace is the fact that I will be seeing my boyfriend in Europe in a month, so this goodbye is really just a “see you in 30 days,” and that’s something I’m a little at ease about. At least I’ll have one familiar face to comfort me after being away from America for 4 weeks. It’s strange, because I’m not scared about this move because of loneliness abroad or being in a new city. I’m mostly scared about losing the people I care about. To me, it’s not an irrational fear. There are college friends I don’t really talk to anymore, and we still live in the same state! It’s hard to keep a connection when there’s distance involved. But I’m hoping my “true” friends will stick with me, even though I’m far away.
So there’s three days left until I leave, and I’m hoping that I don’t dry up from crying too much or have a sudden panic attack like I did last summer when I moved to LA. I head back to Whidbey Island tomorrow to clean out my car so my sister can take it from me, I need to actually pack my bags and weigh them, and I need to collect and compose myself with some good vibes and energy so I can have some stress-less final days.